From the first track, "LP" is an electronic slap in the face to the scenesters who were expecting something similar to either band (though I'm sure most would be saying "Ra Ra Riot? Who?")...and that might be the best possible thing Wes and Rostam could have done. Throw off the whiny little scene kids! Confuse them!
What "LP" actually is is a wonderful collection of synthesized hipster-hop. It's a gleaming gem of gritty electro combined with delicious falsetto and tempting beats.
How wonderful.
- where am i?:The 15642.
- how am i?:
happy - yeahh, turn it up!:Discovery - So Insane | Powered by Last.fm
So I've decided to make all new entries friends-only, excluding any parody I may or may not write, or links, or something, blah blah blah. Okay bye!
- where am i?:The attic room.
- how am i?:
awake - yeahh, turn it up!:Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
Okay, so, once long ago, I wrote Oedipus Rex in 30 Seconds. There's one benefit to Ryan Howe Dictatorship Class - lots of plays to parody. Here's one we read recently, entitled "The Good Woman of Setzuan" by Bertolt Brecht.
THE GOOD WOMAN OF SZECHUAN
by Matt Russak
[PROLOGUE; A CITY]
WONG: I make my living selling water in the city of Szechuan. "What?" you say, "Szechuan isn't a city!" Well FUCK YOU. This is a BRECHT play. Things don't make sense. Like the fact that I sell water. Anyway. Everyone's all poor. Starving. And I'm charging them to drink water. I might be an asshole if this wasn't a Brecht play. So yeah, people are all like "Gods! Save us!" Except that nobody really believes in the gods anymore. But three of them are coming. So uh. Yeah. I have to find a place for them to stay.
FIRST GOD, THE GOD OF DEAFNESS: Hello!
WONG: Okay, long story short - you three are staying with a whore.
SHEN TE: It's just to pay the rent!
WONG: Cya bye. Don't get AIDS! [exit]
SHEN TE: Worst. Introduction. To. Gods. Ever.
[THE NEXT MORNING]
FIRST GOD: Here you go! *hands SHEN TE money*
SHEN TE: Oh no, I couldn't accept this.
SECOND GOD, GOD OF SAYING THE WORST THING AT THE WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT: What? A prostitute refusing money? No wonder you're poor.
SHEN TE: Well, I didn't do anything to deserve this money!
THIRD GOD, GOD OF GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU: Take it anyway! Maybe start up a business, like, oh, a tobacco shop! Show people how good you are, 'cause if humanity doesn't start behaving, you're all fucked!
SHEN TE: Well...this is a Brech play, after all. *takes the money*
GODS: *leave*
SHEN TE: Sweet. Money.
[SCENE 1; 3 DAYS LATER; A TOBACCO SHOP]
SHEN TE: So this is my shop, dear audience folk! Hi! Remember that this is a Brecht play? Yeah. 'Cause it is. Oh, look! Here comes that woman who always gets rice from me 'cause I'm so kind!
MRS. SHIN: Rice, bitch. My kids are sick. Shoulda used birth control. Damn.
SHEN TE: Here you are!
[Enter HUSBAND, WIFE, NEPHEW, BROTHER, SISTER-IN-LAW, GRANDFATHER, NIECE, BOY, and AN UGLY DOG WITH NO FUR.]
WIFE: We're gonna live here in the corner of your shop, kthxbye.
SHEN TE: Alright. I guess that, since I am so kind and this is a Brecht play, I'll let you.
UNEMPLOYED MAN: *charges in* I NEED A CIG!
WIFE: You filthy pile of shit. Ask her for bread, she'll give it to you.
UNEMPLOYED MAN: ...I'd rather have a cigarette.
SHEN TE: ...okay. *gives him a pack*
UNEMPLOYED MAN: ....YAY! *runs off*
CARPENTER: *strolls in* I'm going to charge you a ridiculous amount of money for shelves that were already paid for!
SHEN TE: Why, of course I'll pay you...by...calling...my........cousin! Yeah! Who lives faraway and nobody here has ever seen! Named...Shui Ta!
MRS. MI TZU: I'm your landlady and I'm going to charge you! PAY FOR THE NEXT SIXTH MONTHS RIGHT NOW.
NEPHEW: Shui Ta'll pay! He's amazing!
WIFE: Perfect!
HUSBAND: So tall and handsome!
SHEN TE: ....what they said. He's my cousin. Who lives faraway and nobody here has ever seen.
MRS. MI TZU: K. [exit]
CARPENTER: Give him this bill. [exit]
SISTER-IN-LAW: ...musical interlude!
UGLY DOG WITH NO FUR:
Once there was a whore who opened up a store
And though she was quite poor, a family lived on her floor
And she gave rice to everyone who asked.
And soon she'll be totally fucked!
[SCENE 2; THE TOBACCO SHOP]
SHUI TA: EVERYONE WAKE UP. WAKE UP NOW.
NEPHEW: You don't exist.
SHUI TA: *punches him in the face*
CARPENTER: *enters* Gimme my money!
SHUI TA: I'll give you 1/5 of what you asked for.
CARPENTER: What? No! Full price!
SHUI TA: No. 1/5.
CARPENTER: Full price!
SHUI TA: 1/5.
CARPENTER: Full price!
SHUI TA: 1/5.
CARPENTER: Full price or I take the shelves!
SHUI TA: Fine. Take them.
CARPENTER: They were custom-built for this shop and, because this is a Brecht play, absolutely cannot be used anywhere else!
SHUI TA: I know.
CARPENTER: ...I just fucked myself over, didn't I.
SHUI TA: Yep. Here's 1/5.
CARPENTER: *skulks off*
SHUI TA: And you, Island of Misfit Toys rejects. Out.
HUSBAND: You bastard.
BOY: *runs in* LOOKIE WHAT I STOLE! *holds out many creme-filled pastries*
POLICEMAN: You little bastard. *arrests him*
WIFE: You can't arrest my son!
POLICEMAN: The rest of you, too.
GRANDFATHER: ...fuck.
[The FAMILY leaves.]
POLICEMAN: You know what Shen Te needs? A rich husband. Here. I've taken the liberty of writing a personal ad for the newspaper. Can you put it in tomorrow morning?
SHUI TA: No. Well. Okay.
[SCENE 3; A PARK]
YANG SUN: I'm gonna hang myself!
SHEN TE: Don't do it!
YANG SUN: ....okay.
SHEN TE: I love you.
YANG SUN: Let's go back behind those bushes and play "Hide the Bat in Your Hot Steamy No-Longer-a-Prostitute Cave."
SHEN TE: ...okay.
*ten minutes later*
YANG SUN: *weeping* I wanted to be a pilot, you know!
SHEN TE: ...Christ.
[SCENE 4; THE TOBACCO SHOP]
*This scene has been cut because, even though this is a Brecht play, nothing happens. Less than the normal nothing, I mean.*
[SCENE I'M-NOT-REALLY-A-SCENE; SHEN TE'S ROOM]
SHEN TE: *puts on a false moustache* I am Shui Ta! *takes it off* Now I'm Shen Te again! *puts it on* Shui Ta! *takes it off* Shen Te! *puts it on* Shui Ta!
[SCENE 5; TOBACCO SHOP]
YANG SUN: Shen Te darling! I'm outside! I'm coming in!
SHUI TA: She's not here. *cough*
YANG SUN: I need money.
SHUI TA: No. Also, you cannot see my cousin anymore.
YANG SUN: It's okay. I only like her 'cause she's a hot fuck. [exit]
SHUI TA: *runs around weeping* HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!
SHU FU: [enters] I am a rich barber! With lots of money! Let me marry Shen Te!
SHUI TA: ...okay.
YANG SUN: *runs in* HOLD UP. I will not be treated like this!
SHU FU: You stupid poor bastard.
YANG SUN: I wanna fly with Shen Te at my side!
SHU FU: Cheesiest. Line. Ever.
SHUI TA: *sneaks off*
YANG SUN: I'd like to see you come up with something better!
SHU FU: No, that's alright. I'm so rich I'd just have one of my servants do it.
YANG SUN: Dickhead.
SHEN TE: I'LL MARRY YOU YANG SUN!
YANG SUN: Yay!
SHU FU: ...fuck.
[SCENE 6; RESTAURANT]
YANG SUN: But we can't get married without Shui Ta here!
SHEN TE: ...he'll be here! *cough*
PRIEST: I'm tired of waiting! *huffs off*
YANG SUN: Worst. Wedding. Ever.
[SCENE 7; TOBACCO SHOP]
HUSBAND: Hide this tobacco from the cops!
SHU FU: Take one of my cabins even though you didn't marry me!
SHEN TE: Okay, I want you, The Ragged Family, to move in to the cabin and open a tobacco factory with me and my cousin!
WIFE: No. Okay.
[SCENE 8; TOBACCO FACTORY]
SHUI TA: *fat*
MRS. YANG: My son is a bastard and he's broke 'cause of his lack of a job and shit!
SHUI TA: Let him work here. *siiiiiiiigh*
[MONTHS LATER]
YANG SUN: *is a manager* WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK OHMYGOD WORKKKKKKKKKK!
GRANDFATHER: ...bastard.
[SCENE 9; TOBACCO FACTORY-TURNED UPSCALE POSH CLUB]
SHUI TA: *very fat* SHEN TE IS NEVER COMING BACK HAHAHAHA!
WANG: She's pregnant!
SHUI TA: OMG STFU.
MRS. MI TZU: *walks in* Hey...what are these? *picks up Shen Te's clothes* OMG MURDERER.
SHUI TA: Uh, no.
MRS. MI TZU: YES.
SHUI TA: *arrested*
[SCENE 10; COURTROOM]
FIRST GOD, DISGUISED AS A JUDGE: Hey all.
SECOND GOD, DISGUISED AS A JUDGE: We're the gods!
THIRD GOD, DISGUISED AS A JUDGE: Way to fuck up our plan, doucheface.
SECOND GOD: No, that was just to the audience. This is a Brecht play.
THIRD GOD: Good point.
FIRST GOD: Shen Te! Step forward!
SHUI TA: *steps forward* Uh, she's not here. So um... *moustache falls off*
SHEN TE: ...damn.
FIRST GOD: See. She's alive.
SECOND GOD: Okay, stay good, Shen Te!
SHEN TE: What? How?
THIRD GOD: Just fuckin' do it! Cya!
SECOND GOD: And do it as YOU, not your cousin!
SHEN TE: Well...seeing as how I was just basically unmasked, I don't think I could ever be him again.
FIRST GOD: ...it's a BRECHT PLAY.
SHEN TE: Okay. But still. How can I stay good when it made me broke and miserable?!
SECOND GOD: Just. You know. Keep it up.
GODS: [exit]
SHEN TE: ...fuck.
[EPILOGUE; SOMEWHERE IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM]
SHEN TE: Yeah, that's Brecht's ending. Don't like it? Fuck off and write your own.
- where am i?:My room.
- yeahh, turn it up!:Bertrant Burgalat - Follow Me
Nothing's changed since a few hours ago.
Peace.
- where am i?:My room.
- yeahh, turn it up!:Radiohead - Creep
Then I came back home (i.e. Oakland) and went to a party. It was amazing. Best mix ever: Smirnoff Ice, vodka, and mango juice. For the win. Although, vodka, Mountain Dew, and Hawaiian Punch is pretty good too. Then Julie and I went to hookah, driven graciously/entertainingly by Paul. I knocked over a hookah...luckily they hadn't gotten coals yet. Dan Carson was there (?!?!?!) and we talked about Randy for a while, and I know he was being fakely nice to me about it because he seemed very happy, and when Randy and I started dating he was all upset because he was lonely, so...well, maybe he found someone. I don't know. Anyway. I did a Bad Thing and flirted with some people sitting near us and took an awesome picture of their cigarette sculpture...which will be the alternate picture for yesterday when I get the chance to post on Project 365. So then we came up with a fun analogy. Flirting is like window shopping. You're allowed to do it even if you're not going to buy anything. Since I was the only one there in a relationship, all I'm allowed to do is window shop. The rest of them were able to... "take a test drive," I believe is how it was put.
Spent the night in Julie's room being retarded. Went back up to my room, showered (I swear, nothing feels as good as a hot, relaxing shower), and met Amanda and went to the Beehive in the Southside to study/read Medea for Dram Arts. Ridiculous play. Medea's all "Oh, fuck you Jason. I hate you." Jason's like "Well wtf. I married that other girl so we'd have more money. Bitch." She's like "Still. I'm gonna kill your bride, her father, and our children." He's like "Shit."
Medea in 10 seconds.
I should write 5-minute versions of all the Greek tragedies. Like Oedipus. It would go like this.
The City of Thebes: *dying*
Oedipus: What the fuck. Well, obviously, somehow this is all because Laius was killed. I'll find his killer and kick his ass!
The City of Thebes: *meek rejoicing*
Oedipus: WHO KILLED LAIUS.
Tyresias: *is blind* Well. I won't tell you.
Oedipus: MOTHERFUCKER.
Tyresias: Fine. But you won't like it.
Oedipus: MOTHERFUCKER.
Tyresias: You did it.
Oedipus: ...fuck you. Get out.
Jocasta: *cries*
Messenger: *runs in* I conveniently show up and somehow I'm the same shepherd who found you as a baby all those years ago! Really, Oedipus, why didn't you stay in that other city with your fake parents? Would you really have killed your father and fucked your mom?
Oedipus: Well, probably not.
Messenger: And you, Jocasta. Why did you and Laius expel Eddie here? Do you honestly think, if you had raised him, he would have killed Laius and slept with you?
Jocasta: Prob not. That's ridic.
Messenger: ...you dumb motherfuckers. *leaves*
Oedipus: Oh my god, I slept with my mother.
Jocasta: *dead*
Oedipus: ...fuck. *blinds himself*
Antigone: Dude, what the fuck. My dad is my brother. Shit. Life sucks.
Oedipus: Peace out, yo.
Creon: Sick motherfucker.
See? Much simpler, and you still get everything.
Alright, well, that's all for now. I'll update Project 365 later tonight.
Ciao!
- where am i?:The beehive.
- how am i?:
creative - yeahh, turn it up!:Laughter and conversation.
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matt_ironiic- Matt
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